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Refers to things that happened In a Sunless Year.
Disclaimer: The author makes no claim to owning the rights of anything to do with J.R.R. Tolkien or New Line Cinema. Any and all characters and situations that have been borrowed are for the author's personal use only, and for the entertainment of others.
Wedmath, SR 1420
'Mister Bolger, sir?' The voice is small, timid, and Hally would not have noticed it, if it had not been accompanied by a small cough. He turned, and found himself looking down at Lavender Goodchild, who had been a friend of Holly's since their youth. 'Mister Bolger, that is Hally, if I may be so bold'
Hally smiles, because Lavender's so nervous, he can't help himself. 'You needn't be so formal,' he says, and Lavender nods. Likely, there's a reason for her nervousness, and he shouldn't tease her. When she doesn't speak up right away, he turns once more to look at his journal.
'I've news,' Lavender says, and Hally looks up again. She wrings her hands, then gives a small, sad smile. 'I ought go to Budge Hall, and speak with Master Odovacar, or look for Wil Proudfoot, as I knew that they were cousins...' She goes on, rambling for a bit, then blushing brightly as she realises she has. 'Pardon me. I've kept it in so long, it's set on bursting out.'
'What? What's set on bursting out?'
'Well, it was... it was late last year, you see, and I was out, walking with Lilac, though we both knew it to be dangerous... but Mam was sick, and we needed to see Mistress Rose, and Lilac didn't want me going on my own.'
Hally shivers. But he doesn't ask her to stop. His own story starts quite like that.
'What happened?'
She gives a shrug. 'We were walking, and we heard a nasty voice, saying what a waste it was, that he'd had to die... and Lilac, well, we hid together, in the bushes, as the Men went by. They were... dr... I knew it was, once I saw him, but it was too late for him, already. He... well...' She dashes the tears from her eyes, but then goes on. 'We waited til they were finished, til they had... had buried him, and then we... and then we went, and we looked at the grave they'd given him. Lilac took my hand, told me we should go now while I could, but I... I remembered him, you and him together, you and Tol, and how you looked at each other, and I...' Her cheeks were red now, she was speaking so fast she might soon go faint. 'I couldn't leave him lying there alone. I told Lilac to wait a moment, and I went to gather flowers for him, and I... and Lilac gathered with me...'
She takes a shuddering little breath. She's not the only who might soon go faint, and Hally drops his journal, catches Lavender as she stumbles. 'I couldn't bear it, but it hurt my heart so, that I couldn't speak it, either... Lilac said... well...' She takes another breath, steadies her hands on Hally's arms.
'It doesn't matter what she said, one way or another. I went to him again, though,' and he knows what she means. 'I went to him, and I spoke kind words to him, and I told him how very sorry I was: and I gathered more flowers for him, as the others had wilted to brown, and I... and I meant to come sooner, I did, but I could...'
He nods through his tears, and Lavender wipes at her own tears, falling fast on her cheeks. 'I never meant to keep it so long, Hally, I hadn't,' she says. 'If you're wanting, though...' She hesitates, here.
Everything is dark and close, for a long breathless moment, but then Hally nods, and lets that go. 'Won't you show me where he is?" He needs that, needs to know where Tol lies, ever beyond him but still, somehow within reach.
'That was what I was hoping for,' Lavender says. 'Here, take my... no, first, let me fetch your book.' She bends down, settles on her knees, and picks the book up carefully, brushing the dirt from its pages. Then she closes it, stands, and hands it to Hally. 'Let's go, then I'll show you where he is.'
He must be walking in dream, following after Lavender, watching the light play in her dark-brown curls. They go to a place far from the old Shirriff-house, a woody little copse with wildflowers at one side, and a wild tangle of roses blooming at the other. Near its center, a spreading oak rises, dark green leaves blocking out the sun. There are fresh flowers laid out on the slightest rise of a green, grassy mound, and Hally's heart stops for a moment, then finds itself stuck in his throat.
He hears Lavender speak, though can't tell the words she uses. He walks forward, and is down on his knees before he knows it, the journal dropped from one hand, and both his hands pressed to green earth. 'Oh, Tol,' he says, tears falling fast. 'Here you were, all along,' he says, and he weeps harder for it, heart gone useless, breaking as he breathes.
Somehow, he does not collapse. He berates himself for not having done something more, for not having kept Tol from going out into danger, from not having been able to save him, himself.
But that's all there is now, weeping, and guilt and he is full of it, his guilt: but he will cry himself out, and he will be empty, all over again.
She hadn't waited for him, knowing he needed that time to himself when Hally finds Lavender, his eyes must be red but they're dry as well, and he asks her out from her house. She glances at her sister, then wipes her hands on her apron, and walks out, into the fading sun. Night will come, and the nightmares, too, but for now, Hally is only standing in the sun.
'Hally, are' Lavender starts, then hesitates, and searches his eyes.
'Thank you I needed that, needed to know where he... was. That you had taken care of him, not let him be alone.' Though his smile might seem forced, it's the first real smile he's had reason for, in quite a long while. She might not know it, but Hally at least knows it to be true.
Forelithe, SR 1425
'Bari, don't tease Til,' Maisie Smallburrow says, looking sternly at her eldest then she turns, and smiles at Hally, and shakes her head. 'Forgive him his youth,' she says, and then reaches for her tea. Bari is not that old, after all, at almost-six, but then, neither is though he's six already. Hally understands.
When Wil and Holly had asked to remove themselves to the Frogmorton house, expansions had been in order: not just for them, but for their growing family. The house had tripled in size, and they had had a sun-room added on, as well. It faced west, and was a lovely place to sit as the sun set. Now, it was only mid-day, and the outside door was thrown wide, though the children were all in view. Bari went after Til, and Til shrieked with laughter as Bari caught him. Then they went on playing, as children were wont to do.
Hally did not mind it, not at all, looking after his sister's children, while Holly and Wil were off visiting in the Northfarthing; and Maisie and Bari had only come visiting for the sake of Maisie's younger sister, Meadie, who had not wished to travel alone, and who had been fast friends with Hawthorn since childhood, when one of Meadie's brothers had put jam in Hawthorn's hair, and Meadie and Hawthorn had plotted their revenge.
They were age-mates, and they were sitting out now in the garden, one hand clasped between then, talking in low tones, and casting glances about: and then, their laughter would carry far, and Hally would smile despite himself, and Maisie would smile, too.
Sometimes, though, when Hally was not paying attention to his sister, or his nephew, he would see how Maisie watched him, as if she saw something in him, though what he could not fathom: certainly, she was not looking for a husband, as Hally knew that she was quite happily married, and with another child on its way. No, but her eyes were dark and clear, somehow, and they looked in him, through him, and Hally found himself question himself. But for what reason? He could not tell.
They stayed til supper, and there were rooms enough for them to stay overnight, if they wished more than that. Maisie told Meadie she was free to sleep over, if that was what she wanted (and it was, and Meadie smiled at her older sister, bright as the sun); but Maisie did not wish to keep Bari out, nor keep her husband waiting. 'Hally, perhaps you might escort me. Our smial is only across town.'
It was getting dark, by then, and Hally of course said that he would. Farewells were made, but then Hawthorn and Meadie went off, Hawthorn telling Meadie that she had a nightdress that Meadie could wear. The moon was bright, and likely if one found himself high enough up, he could see for miles: so, they took no lantern, and went out with their coats on, Maisie with her son in her arms.
Bari had tired himself out thoroughly, playing through the day, and he'd eaten quite well at supper (and times in between): now Bari slept as they walked. Maisie looked to the sky, and then to the road ahead, and Hally found his own gaze going to the stars.
He could not remember if this night was like any other, if the stars were as careless as they ever had been before: he took one breath, and then another. Maisie quieted Bari as he shuffled and snuffled, but then she smiled, and kissed his brow. Hally was looking sideways at her, and she looked back at him.
'Don't mind me,' she says. 'Now, you needn't answer me, if you don't wish to, for me to speak so bold. But I see it, when I look at you, and I... well, what I mean to say is, you had a run-in with them, yourself.'
He doesn't know how to answer, not for a moment. But then he does, and for all he has his words, all he can do is nod. 'I don't find many,' she says. She strokes one hand through Bari's hair. 'However have you fared?'
Badly, he wants to say. But he shrugs instead, and looks to the sky. 'I feel as if I walk a very lonesome road and it isn't that there isn't any who might understand. But I know...' And he looks at her again. 'And you? How do you fare?'
She looks surprised. But then she smiles. 'Happy. Quite content. There are dreams, sometimes, and... well, it isn't only light, but darkness, too. Darkness that might poison, if I allowed it to but only if I let it.'
Perhaps he has been letting that happen, all along, but Hally hasn't ever known what else he might do from thinking himself broken, dirtied beyond belief. He thought of November, years behind, when Pindy Sandybottom had come looking for able hands and his hands had been able, and so he had volunteered. He went to Bywater seeking his own death, but had not managed to find it. And now... now. 'Have you spoken of it? Ever?' Maisie's voice is high and clear.
'Somewhat,' he says, and he can't remember, clearly, if he has or hasn't, if that is even true. But he says no more, his tone having been clipped, and Maisie gives a little nod.
'Well, if you need it, ever you know where to find me, don't you?'
'Of course,' he says. 'But it won't be needed still, thank you for the offer.' And he doesn't think he ever will need it, to talk with her, to burden her with his story, the darkness that poisons him, won't fully go away.
So, when it happens, he is of course surprised, to find himself, breathless, at her front door. It has been a month, and the moon is full shining, and the stars are shining back from Maisie's wide eyes. She speaks with her husband, then ushers Hally in, shutting the door, then locking it, behind him. Then, they find a quiet place to speak, away from her husband, away from her son.
He can't do it, can't, so he takes his hand, presses it, and smiles, her eyes gone dark. 'I'll go first,' she says. 'To help you along'
He wants to shakes his head, to tell her no, that isn't needed, but he can't so instead, he clings to her hand, listening to her words, feeling his heart thudding dully. Tears streak down her cheeks, but by the end, she smiles once more, and then Hally opens his mouth, and all his words fall forth.
By the end of it, her arms around him, and he's wept his eyes dry on her shoulders. 'There now,' she says, soft nonsense. Hally shuts his eyes, for the moment, and allows himself to rest.
Halimath, SR 1427
'I don't see why you need to go,' Holly says, looking at him, her eyes so wide and dark.
Hally looks back at her, gives her a one-armed hug, and then kisses her cheek. 'Holly, dearest, your Wil keeps house better than I ever could and he's a much better cook, as if you hadn't known already.'
'Hally'
'My feet are in a wandering mood and Holly, sister, it isn't as if I plan on going off forever. I will be coming back.' She looks at him, as though she doesn't quite believe him, frowns and then sighs and then she hugs him, as tightly as she can, and tells him to take care, to keep himself safe.
'You'd best come home,' she goes on. 'And write us, to let us know where your road leads you. Though, I do so wish you wouldn't go.'
'Have we come back round to that?' He manages a smile, and a laugh. 'I will keep myself in one piece, and write you as often as I am able, and come back to you as soon as my feet are willing. I promise you that, on the sun and moon, and all the stars' and he grins again, as Holly laughs and tugs on his sleeve.
'Oh, very well,' she says, and so, in a way, gives her own blessing.
There are other farewells to be made, and he sees to those, first and he sets out, one sunny morning, and the sun, it seems, is shining at him in such a fashion as to be considered unbearably bright. He pulls down the brim of his wide hat, walks east along the road, carrying his pack carelessly over one shoulder, weighting him down. He and Tol, in their younger years, would sometimes up and go away, and not come back for weeks, or even months he smiles fondly, at that memory. They made it all the way to Long Cleeve, at one time, and only got out one letter before the winter storms struck, and had found themselves stuck at North Tunnels through the turning of a very long season.
Right now, the day is warm, but not unbearably so. There is a pleasant breeze from the north, as if a memory itself: autumn has come, after all. If Hally keeps walking, he will make Whitfurrows before nightfall: he feet seems set on that, at least.
He'd said good-bye to Tol, already: Tol's tree, and Tol's memory, were right now at his back, but not yet gone from his heart.
Rorigard Bolger, a close cousin on Hally's father's side, invites him to stay the night, for all the nights he finds himself in Whitfurrows: Hally thanks Rory, and tells him he likely won't be staying all that long. 'Til morning, at least.'
Rory is new-wed, to Vinca, formerly a Burrows out of Tookbank: she is a pretty lass, with a sweet smile, and a thick head of long, dark curls. They have supper together, and afters, and then Vinca tells the lads to go out, and have a pipe. But Hally had not brought his own, so shares with his cousin. They sit out late, the moon sailing overhead, through stars and darkness. Hally shuts his eyes, and feels himself drifting. By then, they are sharing silence more than words, so Rory tells him they best settle down for the night, and so goes back inside.
Hally thanked them for their hospitality, the morning after, shakes Rory's hand and kisses Vinca on her cheek: and then he sets off, heading north through the Bridgefields and on to Budgeford.
Somehow, having come to it, he should have known this was where his feet were set on taking him, all along.
Odovacar was a cousin, not an uncle, but Hally called him Uncle Odo, anyhow: Hally was welcomed into Budge Hall, and after some commotion and much greeting of cousins and other relations, and another round of related commotion, once he had been settled in, Hally asked after Freddy, and was given no straight answer. He went looking for him, but Freddy found him first.
Hally had been there at Freddy's wedding, and had thought it a very good day for him, for as happy as he had seemed: he was think still, but Hally thought Freddy would be thin, always, no matter how well-fed his mother might keep him, or even his wife.
They embraced and they found themselves in the garden, after some time. Freddy offered Hally a pipe to share, but Hally shook his head and declined. He did not mind that Freddy smoked on his own, though. He had other things on his mind.
'I need to say something,' he says, and that something is a difficult thing to contemplate. 'When I... well... it was back then, and the days were all very dark, as you know how it was. I opened my mouth when I ought not have, and it was for that reason that Tol ended up caught.'
Freddy is watching him, waiting on him: he doesn't see his cousin Freddy often, but his gaze is unreadable, his face gone blank. 'They... I didn't mean... I certainly didn't mean for him to be hurt, for them to...' He shakes his head. 'If they went after you, after that, then that would be my fault, too and I...' He will likely never cry himself out, and he shakes and then shakes his head. 'I didn't mean that, either. I'm sorry, Freddy, I am' and then he's half-sobbing, half-rambling, and he hasn't cried so thoroughly since he soaked Maisie Smallburrow's shoulder, and when he's finished, he's surprised to find himself in Freddy's arms, as he certainly doesn't think himself deserving of that.
'Sorry,' he says again, but Freddy's eyes are wise and old and understanding, and Freddy tells him there's no reason for Hally to say that.
'If they forced you, there wasn't much you could do against them,' he says, starting off softly, though his voice grows bold. 'Resist, and suffer more, and that might do well for one's pride, but it hardly did good for one's dignity. You did as you could, Hally, and only that and all they made suffer, they're at peace now, and surely at peace with what's been said. We don't think ill of the dead, and I like to think the dead don't think ill of us.'
'Now, Freddy'
'I want you to think on that if they're at peace, and I'm at peace, and happy, too, and the Shire's still standing, still blooming, then I think you might want to take some of that peace as your own. You won't ever live again, elsewise. Believe me.' And his smile is like his gaze had been, but then, too. 'I had to see myself through to that end, had to walk that path myself and I can't say it was an easy one to manage. But I did.'
Hally droops. He nods, and wonders if it's possible. Then his cousin says his name, and Hally looks up, can't help but smile, seeing Freddy's smile. 'Hally,' he says his name again. 'It might be your road, but don't go thinking you need walk it all alone.'
Hally sits back, feels empty but not achingly so, as though his feet had brought him just where he needed to be. One thing behind him, and then another is this what you want for me, Tol? To think I might be happy? and he would like that, very much, to end up being happy. And Freddy says, 'Come now, Hally you must be hungry, after all that! My Ruby is a fine cook, and we will eat together in our private apartment, and likely we will eat til we pop.' Then he grins, and his eyes glimmer bright. 'Oh, and I will let you in on a secret not much of one, really, the more I think of it.' Then, he laughs.
Hally grins, and stands and follows Freddy. 'What is your secret, then?'
'I'm a father, you know so, that isn't much of a secret. You'll meet my Ruby, then, and my little, lass, as well.' He smiles, eyes gone sad but happy at the same time. 'We named her Rosemary, as better to remember. I've a story I might tell you, if ever you've the time...'
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